They say life isn’t worth livin
if you’re livin like a 70 yr old woman. I’ll be the first to tell you that
nothing is further from the truth. Growing up in the late 1960s as a young man in downtown Los Angelos
it wasn’t hard getting into trouble. Well between The Beach Boys’ first
release, “Pet Sounds” and the incomparable Julie Andrews in her beloved role as
Mary Poppins I didn’t know how to handle it. The mental chaos alone was reason
enough for me and my buddy Michael Presley to trip acid and visit gypsies. I
remember like it was yesterday. The L.A streets bled of rainbow as people
passed by greeting us with the hand jestorial peace sign, we couldn’t have felt
more at ease and one with ourselves and our surrounding. Me and ol’ Mikey over
here see an old broad waving us in, seducing us with her mischievous eye: it
was like staring down into the chamber of an M-16 and a black panther at the
same time. We walk over and she leads us into her house, one by one sitting us
down without words. All of a sudden I think I see a spider and start kicking
and crying, whaddya know I trip the old lady as shes walking back to her seat
and as we all were told countless times as children, if you trip a gypsy you
are granted one wish. Now Im not sayin Im unsuccessful with the ladies cuz I
am, but I woulda liked to be I don’t know...less milky..more like chocolate
milky…like a silky smooth chocolate milk on a cool brisk summer’s morning.
Outta Sight! So I says to her, I says, “Oightt Old broad I’ll make it easy for
ya, tone me up a bit…give me a Tannish body”. Now I says to her “Tannish Body”
Tannish FUCKIN body. She says she hears “Spanish Lady” and that she cant do anything
about it.
So as you can see I am in fact a 24 year old man
stuck in the decrepit cadaver of this “Spanish Lady”. I’ve lived the past 33
years drug free and lonely. The first ten years in this body were no walk in
the park, I mean I walked a lot in the park but that my friends, was no walk in
the park. I happen to be magically morphed into Maria Ignasio. POR QUE MARIA!? The down
surrogate in the Latin King area of central Los Angeles. Virtually owned by one
of the local drug lords until the medical advance of tying tubes in 1979. I was
seen as useless and they let me leave their “family”.
I’m in the process of tracking down that
gypsy all those years ago but once I have found her and transformed back into
my youthful self I would like a nice girl who I can just be myself with for
once. Pretty liberal, not that political. I like reading and going on trips,
I’d love to see Uruguay. I drive a 2006 Ford Mustang, leather interior, I don’t
know I mean I like it, it gets the job done. My favorite movie is The Hot
Chick, love Rob Schnider! I want
to see that Iron Lady movie it looks really good. Do not want kids. Not much of
a user but a huge watcher. I can’t wait for the Dodgers to bring it home this
year. Fuck the Angels. I am looking for an attractive woman, so all the fatties
and sellulite freaks please don’t comment back. Serious inquiries only. Please just Date me
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