Sean “Twilight” Cook, M.D.

              The names Dr. Cook but you can call me “Twilight”, at least that’s what my enemies call me.  I have been a self proclaimed heart surgeon since as long as I can remember; which would put me at about 3^rd grade.  Lots of experience.

            Since I dropped out of high school to start my own practice, I really haven’t had much time to date.  Oh my practice you ask?  Well ya know how Rite Aid has a “One Hour Photo” type of thing.  Well I own and operate a “One Hour Heart Surgery”.. or your money back!

            So Im looking for a girl who can just keep me guessing.  Literally I love guessing games.  In fact lets play right now; How big do you think my “man meat” is? …no?  Answer; If Seabuscuit had a penis, that’s how big it is.  To continue I also enjoy a woman who can “pickle” things.  If you can pickle waffles, sweet jesus we will make a great match! 

            Alright so you know what I like and you know what I do; so if your heart is in need of loving, or your in loving need of a heart then hit up Dr. C.

P.S. I never fully processed 9/11.

Lionel Simmonds

     

                I’m a sexual Predator and I’m looking to make you my personal Arnold Schwarzenegger.  I know that may seem a little up front but I’m very aggressive and when a woman is aggressive too…...me likey.  My name is Lionel Simmonds and I have a family of raccoons living in my attic.  I believe it’s important to be upfront and honest with women when I am looking for a relationship.  My last relationship didn’t go well, both of us were generally quiet and shy individuals therefore our conversations had more awkward silences than a house party at Gallaudet University.  It is important to me that my partner be a gentile. 

                 I could never live without three things: food and water, shelter and sex.  Oooh, yeah baby, I wanna sit on your face.  Yumyumyumyum sllllurrrrrp.  GooGoo GaGa.  Bring those delicious knuckles over here, I want to do unspeakable things to them.  If you violate me, I’ll give you wet willies ‘til the sun comes up.  …..In hindsight I probably shouldn’t have said all that. 

            Well, my bowel movement is complete so I guess I should wrap this bad boy up.  Irregardless, I am a genuinely caring, and sensitive individual with a menacingly dark side.  If you are the frisky little minx for me, I can’t wait play your cat-and-mouse game.  Slurp indeed.  

Kelsey Mitsubishi

Konichiwa bitches.  I’m Kelsey Mitsubishi, I’m hot, I’m horny and I want me some lovin.  I like my men how I like my coffee: rich, black and inside me.  Naturally I’d prefer it if you were a rapper or athlete. (duh!)  I am 25 and unemployed so I really need a man that can support me, financially, emotionally and physically.  I would definitely say that I am “high maintenance,” mostly because I have several severe medical conditions that require daily medication for each.  I don’t have Diabetes though, lol!  I don’t want you thinking I’m some fatass bitch who drinks Diet Mountain Dew and shoots insulin up her butthole, or whatever diabetics do. 

          If you like animals, that’s a plus.  I like animals but I don’t love them.  Like, I’ll stop and pet them but I wouldn’t want to have to take care of them.  Gross. 

          So any brothas out there with yellow fever, I got your prescription.  Unless you actually have actual Yellow Fever, then you’re probably poor and gross.  I’m looking for a black Afromerican Godzilla to destroy my Downtown Tokyo so if you think you are the man for me, email me at hellokittyluvver69@upenn.edu. 

          Shai Shai!

Barry Sanders

    This is embarrassing.  I told myself I would never turn to the internet to try and find a date, but after my brother Dion found his current girlfriend online, I figured I’d give this whole thing a whirl.  My name is Barry Sanders and I am going to be upfront and honest with you: I am a gay adult actor who performs under the name “Johnny Deep.”  I played Captain Black Sparrow in “Ass-Pirates of the Caribbean,” starred in “Wonka’s Willy in His Chocolate Factory” and held my breakout role in a parody of The Wire titled “Omar Cummin.”  Many people assume that because I do gay porn that I must be gay as well.  This couldn’t be further from the truth, I am as straight as an aerow (sp?). 

What type of woman am I looking for?  Preferably one with two breasts and a steady source of income, I would also greatly appreciate it if you had full command of all five senses however I will make an exception if you can’t taste because my own mother couldn’t taste and I know how hard that can be. 

I’ve been told that I’m one cool cat and two cool dogs.  I ask that you look past my occupation and make an attempt to get to know the real me.  Yes, I have sex with men against my will for money on camera, but that doesn’t change who I am on the inside.  I beg you, one night with me and you will not be disappointed.  I can please a man, how hard can a woman be?

Tamara Lynn

Death. To Die. To expire. To pass on. To perish. To peg out. To push up daisies. To push up posies. To become extinct. Curtains, deceased, demised, departed and defunct. Dead as a doornail. Dead as a herring.  Dead as a mutton.  Dead as nits.  The last breath. Paying a debt to nature. The big sleep. Gods way of saying “slow down”. To check out. To shuffle off his mortal coil. To head for happy hunting grounds. To blink for an exceptionally long time. To find oneself without breath. To kick the bucket. Take the cab. To cash in your chips.

…They say that dying is like falling asleep.  You become very warm and everything becomes peaceful. I cant wait.

The only thing that can keep me from my dark demise into he unkown is “Prince Charming”; that literally has to be your name.  Im really into death metal and banger music; specifically the bands: Murder on the Dance Floor, Postmortem Promises and of course Upon a Burning Body.  Ill tell you, there is nothing like overdosing on morphine and “banging” to any of these deathcore bands. (cat hissing sound).

This really is the end of the line for me, my last boyfriend David Bloodclot treated me horribly and actually had the nerve to say that im not “dark enough”.  His band fucking sucks anyway.  Alright, well Prince Charming, you have one week to get your shit together.  You can see my figure in the picture, I don’t wear clothes and rarely to go out during the day time.  I do have very long hair but Im cutting it soon for Locks of Love. 

Farewell and Good Riddance. 

Creighton Huevos

     

     They say life isn’t worth livin if you’re livin  like a 70 yr old woman. I’ll be the first to tell you that nothing is further from the truth. Growing  up in the late 1960s as a young man in downtown Los Angelos it wasn’t hard getting into trouble. Well between The Beach Boys’ first release, “Pet Sounds” and the incomparable Julie Andrews in her beloved role as Mary Poppins I didn’t know how to handle it. The mental chaos alone was reason enough for me and my buddy Michael Presley to trip acid and visit gypsies. I remember like it was yesterday. The L.A streets bled of rainbow as people passed by greeting us with the hand jestorial peace sign, we couldn’t have felt more at ease and one with ourselves and our surrounding. Me and ol’ Mikey over here see an old broad waving us in, seducing us with her mischievous eye: it was like staring down into the chamber of an M-16 and a black panther at the same time. We walk over and she leads us into her house, one by one sitting us down without words. All of a sudden I think I see a spider and start kicking and crying, whaddya know I trip the old lady as shes walking back to her seat and as we all were told countless times as children, if you trip a gypsy you are granted one wish. Now Im not sayin Im unsuccessful with the ladies cuz I am, but I woulda liked to be I don’t know...less milky..more like chocolate milky…like a silky smooth chocolate milk on a cool brisk summer’s morning. Outta Sight! So I says to her, I says, “Oightt Old broad I’ll make it easy for ya, tone me up a bit…give me a Tannish body”. Now I says to her “Tannish Body” Tannish FUCKIN body. She says she hears “Spanish Lady” and that she cant do anything about it.

    So as you can see I am in fact a 24 year old man stuck in the decrepit cadaver of this “Spanish Lady”. I’ve lived the past 33 years drug free and lonely. The first ten years in this body were no walk in the park, I mean I walked a lot in the park but that my friends, was no walk in the park. I happen to be magically morphed into Maria Ignasio. POR QUE MARIA!? The down surrogate in the Latin King area of central Los Angeles. Virtually owned by one of the local drug lords until the medical advance of tying tubes in 1979. I was seen as useless and they let me leave their “family”.

     I’m in the process of tracking down that gypsy all those years ago but once I have found her and transformed back into my youthful self I would like a nice girl who I can just be myself with for once. Pretty liberal, not that political. I like reading and going on trips, I’d love to see Uruguay. I drive a 2006 Ford Mustang, leather interior, I don’t know I mean I like it, it gets the job done. My favorite movie is The Hot Chick, love Rob Schnider!  I want to see that Iron Lady movie it looks really good. Do not want kids. Not much of a user but a huge watcher. I can’t wait for the Dodgers to bring it home this year. Fuck the Angels. I am looking for an attractive woman, so all the fatties and sellulite freaks please don’t comment back. Serious inquiries only. Please just Date me

Adios Goodbye