Ring Ring! I’ll
make you a deal. If you let me take you out I will use my expertise in 11th
grade mathematics to increase our probability of a long-term relationship.
Envision yourself in an elevated soundproof/bulletproof (I’ve tried) room
(ironically enough, not rape-proof though) with tinted windows on the set of
America’s fifth most popular TV game show. If that’s not enough to sell
your “case”, then I don’t know what will. You may think that I lead a
lavish lifestyle, being a television phenom, however that would be a “no deal”
situation. I am being held captive up here by Howie, his neo-Nazi model
henchmen and his male bravado. They may look beautiful on the outside,
but I will tell you they are horrible, horrible people. They refuse to
acknowledge my real name, referring to me only as “Banker.” They make me
seem like a terrible, spiteful individual but I am just trying to earn my
freedom. You see, the money I sell the cases for is taken out of my
annual salary. I am currently hundreds of millions of dollars in debt,
but at least the economy is still riding high from the Clinton
administration. I was on the very first episode of the show and won the
million. However, I was tricked by that sly, hairless Diablo himself into
giving up my million, as well as freedom for a long term partnership to which I
was promised more money, benefits and dental coverage. This episode was
banned in America for the treasonous actions against the US Constitution.
You probably want to know more about me of a person. I guess I am just
your average guy who’s trapped in a claustrophobic 3rd grade girl’s
nightmare. All I have are my thoughts, my chair and my landline that can
only make outgoing calls to an identical phone 10 feet downstairs (oh how it
taunts me). My phone is my personal million dollar case. It is the
only phone in existence still served by Bell Atlantic, but oh how it shimmers
in metallic blue grandeur. I used to be able to talk directly to the
contestants, however I kept reaching out for help so my phone privileges were
restricted. I prank call Howie, but he always knows it’s me. I even
try different voices but he still knows.
So why would you want to date me? I’m basically just the Phantom of the
Opera with an accounting degree from DeSales University. Well, I could
defend and protect you like no other as I am an avid shadowboxer. Also,
Howie’s New York Times bestseller Here’s the Deal: Don’t Touch Me….my idea. I have 5 years of pure,
unadulterated conversation built up inside me just waiting to get out.
You may see Howie giggle after answering the phone, this is because I am an
aspiring phone sex operator and I practice on him. I’d like to do more
than just practice on you, or in you. I have no idea what an iPhone is,
they should just take buttons off phones altogether, it has worked out for
me. I am very passionate about politics. George Bush and his
cronies have run this country into the ground and I would hate for him to be
reelected to a fourth term. Unfortunately, Howie doesn’t let me
vote.
Howie should be coming back for his laptop anytime soon so I better wrap this
up. I am desperate for human contact. If you had lost all the cases
except for the penny and the dollar, that’s how hopeless I am. So, final
offer…Deal, or No Deal?
No comments:
Post a Comment