The Banker (Deal or No Deal)

            

Ring Ring!  I’ll make you a deal.  If you let me take you out I will use my expertise in 11^th grade mathematics to increase our probability of a long-term relationship.  Envision yourself in an elevated soundproof/bulletproof (I’ve tried) room (ironically enough, not rape-proof though) with tinted windows on the set of America’s fifth most popular TV game show.  If that’s not enough to sell your “case”, then I don’t know what will.  You may think that I lead a lavish lifestyle, being a television phenom, however that would be a “no deal” situation.  I am being held captive up here by Howie, his neo-Nazi model henchmen and his male bravado.  They may look beautiful on the outside, but I will tell you they are horrible, horrible people.  They refuse to acknowledge my real name, referring to me only as “Banker.”  They make me seem like a terrible, spiteful individual but I am just trying to earn my freedom.  You see, the money I sell the cases for is taken out of my annual salary.  I am currently hundreds of millions of dollars in debt, but at least the economy is still riding high from the Clinton administration.  I was on the very first episode of the show and won the million.  However, I was tricked by that sly, hairless Diablo himself into giving up my million, as well as freedom for a long term partnership to which I was promised more money, benefits and dental coverage.  This episode was banned in America for the treasonous actions against the US Constitution. 

            You probably want to know more about me of a person.  I guess I am just your average guy who’s trapped in a claustrophobic 3^rd grade girl’s nightmare.  All I have are my thoughts, my chair and my landline that can only make outgoing calls to an identical phone 10 feet downstairs (oh how it taunts me).  My phone is my personal million dollar case.  It is the only phone in existence still served by Bell Atlantic, but oh how it shimmers in metallic blue grandeur.  I used to be able to talk directly to the contestants, however I kept reaching out for help so my phone privileges were restricted.  I prank call Howie, but he always knows it’s me.  I even try different voices but he still knows. 

            So why would you want to date me?  I’m basically just the Phantom of the Opera with an accounting degree from DeSales University.  Well, I could defend and protect you like no other as I am an avid shadowboxer.  Also, Howie’s New York Times bestseller Here’s the Deal: Don’t Touch Me….my idea.  I have 5 years of pure, unadulterated conversation built up inside me just waiting to get out.  You may see Howie giggle after answering the phone, this is because I am an aspiring phone sex operator and I practice on him.  I’d like to do more than just practice on you, or in you.  I have no idea what an iPhone is, they should just take buttons off phones altogether, it has worked out for me.  I am very passionate about politics.  George Bush and his cronies have run this country into the ground and I would hate for him to be reelected to a fourth term.  Unfortunately, Howie doesn’t let me vote. 

            Howie should be coming back for his laptop anytime soon so I better wrap this up.  I am desperate for human contact.  If you had lost all the cases except for the penny and the dollar, that’s how hopeless I am.  So, final offer…Deal, or No Deal?

Jimmy Crachorn

            Let me tell you a little about myself.  I am a firm believer that opposites attract.  I am a 5’7” 221 lb Caucasian male.  I enjoy long walks on the beach and pina coladas in the sun.  I went to Catholic school my whole life, but never went to college.  My parents always loved me and wanted me to do whatever I dreamed of.  When I was 12 I spilled ice cream on my foot in front of everyone and was humiliated.  I always enjoy a cheap laugh.  I am absolutely terrified of going to the dentist.  My favorite song of all time is “Purple Rain” also my favorite actor is Prince (weird, I know).  I am embarrassed to say that I still live in my parents’ basement.  My busy job as an electrician does not give me many days off for free time, so I’ve found it difficult to find time to date.  I hate taxes.  My dog died today but I was relieved.  He was suffering and it was his time.  My favorite vacation spot in the world is Cape Cod, MA.  I was scared the first time I saw “Toy Story.”  My favorite fictional character is Robin Hood.

            As I said, I believe opposites attract so ideally you would be a 7’5” 122 lb ethnic female.  You should enjoy brisk sprints in the bay and strawberry daiquiris in the shade.  You should have never gone to school but have a college degree.  You parents should have always beaten you and wanted you to not do whatever you daydreamed about.  When you were 21, you should have kicked sorbet up into your mouth alone in a room and been elated.  You should sometimes enjoy an expensive cry.  You should absolutely love leaving the proctologist.  Your favorite movie of the last 20 years should be “Vanilla Sky” and your favorite band should be Queen (cliché, I know).  You should be proud to say that your parents just died in your basement.  Your lack of any employment whatsoever should free up every week for you, and you should spend all of your time dating.  You should love tax credits.  You should give birth tomorrow and feel panicked because you had no idea you were pregnant.  Your favorite vacation spot in the US should be Nogales, AZ.  You should have pissed laughing the first time you saw “Small Soldiers.”  You’re favorite historical figure should be Bernie Madoff.

xoxoxox-Jimmy

Spyder

            I have heard time and time again that women want a sensitive guy, but I so far have not found this to be true.  Then again, most of the women I am around are usually beating 300 lb men in the head with a lead pipe.  You see, I am a member of the neo-Nazi motorcycle group “Satan’s Warlocks” but I assure you that I am not a savage.  I merely joined because I enjoy brisk saunters on my bike in the mid-morning sun, and because of the great insurance benefits and AARP discount.  Meth peddling and hate crimes are not for me, rather I enjoy the arts: theatre (thee-ate-her), poetry, gardening, etc.  My name is Spyder but I am about to change it to Spydeur to reflect my violent infatuation with French Impressionism. 

            In my spare time I like to write poetry.  I actually have something prepared just for you.  If you will:

Thyne skin as docile as honey and milk

Thyne Hair as regal as fresh spun silk

For thee the moon chimes in the harrow wind

Thy name est              and thou want share of thy kin

In all likelihood, you are probably crying right now.  I want you to close your eyes and picture me, Spydeur, wiping your tears up with my velvet tongue of passion.  Now, open your eyes.  Is your fantasy a reality?  No?  Then I think you know what to do….